Okay, I love both English and German poetry, and sometimes I just want to hear a familiar poem in different words; and as those words betimes have varying shadings, I fancy I gain perspective on the work. If only these words would have fit for Smith, would he have had his poem convey a slightly different meaning, perhaps broader or perhaps merely related? And still have liked and published what he could say within the strictures of another tongue?

I took the last verse of Nyctalops and tried to give it similar cadences in German.

We have seen fair colors
That dwell not in the light
Intenser gold and iris
Occult and recondite
We have seen the black suns
Pouring forth the night.

In German with the cadences conformed, this becomes

Wir sahen zarte Farben,
Die wohnen nicht im Licht
Staerker gold und iris
Tief im Dunkellicht
Wir sahen die schwarze Sonne
Gieß her Nacht und Nicht

But now look at the meaning our German friend will read:

We saw delicate colors,
Who do not live in the light
Stronger gold and iris
Deep in the dark light
We saw the black sun
Pouring forth night and Not

Something has to rhyme with Licht (light) and the only allied characteristic of Night is Not (Nicht--the Not, the nullification). It seems Smith might not have minded the poem's giving an overtone of nullification along with night... we can't know, of course. Given the need for such re-forging of the thought behind the verse, the need for changing the wonderful "occult and recondite" into "deep in the dark light"?, would Smith have said, OK, my poem can say this and I still like it if it's the only thing I can write that still fits the meter and rhyme?

1) It is still Smith's poem?
2) Is it worth doing or appropriate to do do give a German speaker a hint of CAS?

Would sure like some opinions...

Thanks

Leon W. Malinofsky

Any translation of a poem into a language other than that of the original represents a recreative act between the translated and the translator. This was the view that Smith held when he translated Baudelaire. Having some small command of the German language myself, I like what you wrote, and think that it succeeds fairly well.

lmalinofsky Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Okay, I love both English and German poetry, and
> sometimes I just want to hear a familiar poem in
> different words; and as those words betimes have
> varying shadings, I fancy I gain perspective on
> the work. If only these words would have fit for
> Smith, would he have had his poem convey a
> slightly different meaning, perhaps broader or
> perhaps merely related? And still have liked and
> published what he could say within the strictures
> of another tongue?
>
> I took the last verse of Nyctalops and tried to
> give it similar cadences in German.
>
> We have seen fair colors
> That dwell not in the light
> Intenser gold and iris
> Occult and recondite
> We have seen the black suns
> Pouring forth the night.
>
> In German with the cadences conformed, this
> becomes
>
> Wir sahen zarte Farben,
> Die wohnen nicht im Licht
> Staerker gold und iris
> Tief im Dunkellicht
> Wir sahen die schwarze Sonne
> Gieß her Nacht und Nicht
>
> But now look at the meaning our German friend will
> read:
>
> We saw delicate colors,
> Who do not live in the light
> Stronger gold and iris
> Deep in the dark light
> We saw the black sun
> Pouring forth night and Not
>
> Something has to rhyme with Licht (light) and the
> only allied characteristic of Night is Not
> (Nicht--the Not, the nullification). It seems
> Smith might not have minded the poem's giving an
> overtone of nullification along with night... we
> can't know, of course. Given the need for such
> re-forging of the thought behind the verse, the
> need for changing the wonderful "occult and
> recondite" into "deep in the dark light"?, would
> Smith have said, OK, my poem can say this and I
> still like it if it's the only thing I can write
> that still fits the meter and rhyme?
>
> 1) It is still Smith's poem?
> 2) Is it worth doing or appropriate to do do give
> a German speaker a hint of CAS?
>
> Would sure like some opinions...
>
> Thanks
>
> Leon W. Malinofsky

Perhaps this might work:

Wir haben die Farben gesehen,
Das nicht in den Licht erwohnen,
Starker Gold und Iris
finden Wir im Dunkel Artz,
Und Schwarze Sonnen
Vom Nacht voll ausscheinen.

possibilities?