After posting my writing on several other forums, and perpetually elicitng a response to the effect of: "it's too florid!" I figured I'd put up one of my shorter poems up in an environment where people might be a little more receptive to the style I've chosen. Or, at least, thats what I hope. Although I've been writing on and off since I was a child, I've only been writing seriously for about 6 months. I am 17 years old.

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Sometimes, when my fancy so desires, and the weather be temperate, I sit me down by the riverside, and obtain thereby an archaic elemental delectation. I think not of the abstract postulates scientists proclaim existence must accord, but the sunlight that ornaments its rippling surface and shines as of molten platinum. And the bobbing emerald foilage, and the aerial adroitness of myriad iridescent dragonflies, and the lucent webbings that dance and flit athwart its limestone bed-- these alone hold occupation of my mind. And suddenly, like the first spark of flint amid the black velvet darkness of a Neanderthals abode, I understand exactly what those scientists were attempting to explain with their didactic axioms. But swiftly does this newfound knowledge pass. To come again, at another time, in another place, but never to be grasped.

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Thats just a short poem I wrote today. I figured it'd be more of an accurate portrayal of my writing proficiencey than something I toiled many hours over.

I haven't seen many other posts like this here, so I'm not sure if its cocher, but I'd be pleased if some of you stopped by and told me what you thought. Thanks alot.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 19 Oct 09 | 10:31PM by Malygris.

There is nothing inherently wrong in developing a florid style, as it is as legitimate as th plain style seemingly in favour at present. That said, I recommend developing a sure revisionary sense, so that, as you go back over the piece, you develop ideas of how and where elements such as rhythm, consonance, assonance, imagery and so forth work, and where they need work. It takes time, but it is learnable, and feedback is one way of kickstarting the process.

You seem to have a tendency towards some degree of abstract words, and I would suggest, if this is of concern, that you look towards employing words that are more concrete; rather than monosyllabic, plain words, choose words that refer to objects and qualities of objects, keeping in mind the necessary aspects of connotation and denotation.

I'd love to see more of your work, and would love to keep giving you feedback. I should have my email address available via this forum, but if not, let me know and I will pass it along.

In case you're wondering, I have been writing for around 25 years, and have over 500 poems, and over 75 prose items published; I have two chapbooks of poetry, one that is actually the size of a book, a concordance, and I have another poetry collection forthcoming, in addition to other, self-published items, and I am the editor of a number of publications, so I have had some experience both in writing and in giving feedback.

Blog: The Cruellest Month -- [the-cruellest-month.blogspot.com.au]
Website: [www.phillipaellis.com]

Hello Malygris and welcome to the board,

One thing that makes looking at this poem difficult is that the lines have been lost. Without the line endings, it is hard to know where there is pause and also where you might have ambiguous line endings.

With that aside, I congratulate you on your vocabulary.Your passion for precision of meaning is evident and you should always try to cultivate your gift because having a large vocabulary is helpful in creating new and striking combinations. Think of it like a toolbox where the more tools you have the more you can carve out what you envision.

As for criticism, I will lay out a few points here and I hope you will consider them as other tools which you might find helpful

Language:
1) Subtlety: Since your gift is vocabulary it is not surprising you use a great deal of "precise" words and metaphors. However, one of the beauties of poetry is subtlety. When one uses too many precise words or metaphors, one loses the gestures that lead one to the imagination. The best poems lead you out and allow you to imagine. Consider some of your favorite poems and ask yourself what would happen if I changed this word? Why does this word have to be here? Subtleties are the spices of poetry; at best they will leave something with you and evoke wonder.

2) Word choice: Also, I understand your love of archaic diction but many others will not. Have you heard your fellow classmates complain about Shakespeare? By all means use archaic diction like "the weather be temperate" but if you use too many old words, you will alienate your audience who speaks a more modern tongue. It's all about moderation which leads me to...

3) Economy: If you've ever read Blake, you will see how he only uses a few words to attain his effect. Consider his 8 lines:

O Rose thou art sick.
The invisible worm,
That flies in the night
In the howling storm:

Has found out thy bed
Of crimson joy:
And his dark secret love
Does thy life destroy.

You can also look at the epigrams of the Greek poets to see how they use space. Ideally, one wants to get rid of as much superflous language as possible and only keep what is important. What would happen, for instance, if you were to show me that the weather was temperate instead? What if you condensed this line, "shines as of molten platinum" to "and shines platinum" (platinum being the line end). The idea is to lose "as of" which does not do much for the line. Think of how they make swords, one needs to dshave off the excess metal to gain an edge.

These are just a couple of small things to consider. One begins to feel these sort of things out as one reads more poetry and I know that with a little patience and a capacity to revise your art to perfection, you can get there.

Hold on to that spark and do not be discouraged! Keep it up.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 19 Oct 09 | 11:20PM by NightHalo.

My very dear young man - I am delighted with this effort -you have a strong sense of imagery - whatever flaws there may be in this little piece are those of abundance and enthusiasm, not lack - I would urge you to keep pouring yourself onto paper - time, deep study as suggested by others above, and experience will impose a measure of economy on your work - I really like the neanderthal image -- the beginning of fire -- marvelous - you do what you like, overflow until the you drown in the effusion of language -- and trust that from this will emerge in time the focus that may allow you to become one who sees what the rest of us have not, and able to clearly reveal the vistas you have seen - I hope to live to see that - feel free to write me also, as I already correspond with several hopeful young writers of admirable gifts -
Bluntly - I am thrilled to see you here, and welcome you warmly. Write on!!